Independence & How To Let Go

Wife and I attended a session organized by the Parents Association of the elder son’s school this morning.

It was about the process of university application for the year 6 students as they wind down their activities to seriously prepare for their A levels exams in Nov. The topics centered mainly on the overseas application process for UK and US varsities, the timelines, and options available.

What came out from the session was a major underlying theme. That our 18-year-old is on the brink of moving towards adulthood and full independence. While we parents would like to continue to over protect them and worry too much, we have to accept that they are grown up and learn how to let go. The parents (I)-know-best attitude has to be replaced with a more consultative way where we seek to learn about their views rather than trying to ramp everything down their throat.

I marvel at the various stages our kids have gone through, from total dependency and listening to all our instructions to the teenage phase, with its mood swings and hormonal changes affecting the mental and physical state of mind. I do remember my 18-year-old phase quite clearly, where I questioned the meaning of life and my purpose in this world.

I guess this generation is very different now. My parents came from a very different background where putting food on the table was the main objective for them to provide for the family. They had no idea of what higher education means and could not afford to provide guidance to us. We had to be independent and decide for ourselves. For our kids, we parents are now very much more involved with this process, having the hindsight of experience to hopefully guide them along the way. But this may not necessarily be a good thing as we might not be able to let go and allow them their freedom of choice. While we still like to spoonfeed them, we have to resist this inclination. They are on a journey of discovery now, ready to fly from the safety of the cocoon into the University of Life.

I hope that we have had provided them with a strong infrastructure of a mental and moral framework in order for them to begin this phase of their voyage of independence. I will have to watch my tongue and try to be more as a friend rather than a parent from now on. I hope that they will share with me their inspirations and discussions, that the old man can probably be of some value add.